Abandon ship, Mr Sulu
by IDIC88
Summary: Kind of a missing scene, exploring what happened in 'Beyond' from shortly before Kirk gave the order to abandon ship until he reached the planet in his escape pod. Angst, panic, Kirk Whump, distressed Jim Kirk.


**_Abandon ship, Mr. Sulu_**

 _This is my version of what happened in 'Beyond' from shortly before Kirk gave the order to abandon ship until he reached the planet in his escape pod._

 _This is deliberately a bit confusing. I made it like this to reflect Kirk's state of mind in that moment. I think overall he is very much in control and not shaken easily, but losing his ship would hit him hard sooner or later._

 _We only saw other crewmembers having a stressful time in their pods but I assume Jim had the hardest time of all of them. So, this is the result._

::

 _Just in case someone doesn't know: This is fanfiction, which basically means I don't own the characters, I just borrow them to play._

 _No copyright infringement intended, no money made and so on._

::

* * *

::

Suddenly it hit him… the fact that hadn't been in his worst dreams - yet.

Ships sometimes went down.

He knew that.

Had known it all his life.

But at the moment it was a harsh insight.

It was something he knew was a possibility, but had never thought it could actually really happen to this very vessel.

She was his companion.

The one constant thing in his life for the past years.

A moment ago, he still thought they would fight to the end, but then he realized, this was _his_ own credo… not the one he was supposed to execute as the man in command and when it came to his crew.

Some aspect of him knew it was coming.

Knew they were getting there.

But he had refused to believe it.

It had happened so fast.

While he ran down the corridor gravity shifted.

Not good!

He could literally feel the impacts of the foreign drones drilling into the hull.

Wounding her.

Gaping wounds in her hull.

So not good…

The thing was, when he was honest with himself, he should have given the word already.

Then there was a shift in something else, it felt as if the mass of the ship had worked something free and the momentum changed as a result of that.

Where were Bones and Spock?

The fact that he didn't knew was distressing.

He clenched his teeth, hoping they were alive and safe.

Suddenly gravity went nuts, pulled him towards the wall and although he managed to remain upright a force seemed to pull him towards the outer ring of the hull section. Objects that were cluttering the corridor followed the movement.

Damnit!

This meant the ship was in a spinning movement, that created its own gravity pull. The moving debris gave him more clues than his own corrupted sense of balance.

Struggling to maintain his hold, he reached an intercom.

"Kirk to Bridge."

"We are losing the inertial dampeners!" Chekov answered without introduction.

"Systems are failing ship-wide, Captain," Sulu added, "Emergency bulkheads are sealing, but structural integrity is at 18% and falling, Sir."

He reacted - before he had made the conscious decision, he had said it.

"Abandon ship, Mr. Sulu."

There was a brief silence on the other end.

A moment, during which he realized what order he had just given.

The ship was dying.

She was going down.

It dawned on him that this was the same order his father had given the day he was born.

And for the first time in his life, Jim really understood why his father had done it.

Before, he had hated him, had hated that he had grown up with Frank and on Tarsus because his father had abandoned them…

But then he realized he was considering staying with her. Going down with his ship.

Just that it made no sense in this case. It was just a odd need he felt.

It was unsettling.

The decision he had despised all his life and now he was considering it.

Understanding actually hurt physically.

He clenched his teeth with the realization.

Time had frozen, but then, it suddenly moved on… what seemed like forever could have only the fraction of a second.

Sulu had hesitated, but finally he spoke, "Sound the alarm."

It took a few seconds and then the intercom announced, loud and piercing, "Abandon ship. All personnel."

Jim organized the evacuation, kind of like on auto pilot.

Stunned and guided by his training.

::

It wasn't until he hit the 'launch' button in his escape pod that he understood what he had just done.

They were already in the atmosphere and instead of the velvety darkness of space he had expected, he was hit by bright light.

The acceleration pressed down on him, but the seatbelts held him in place.

Blinking against the blinding light, he saw the burning saucer section falling away from under him.

It looked so much worse from the outside.

Like wounds.

Then he understood that he had just actually abandoned her.

The revelation hit him like a brick wall.

It was the first time he realized that he thought of 'her' as if she was a living breathing dear entity that was part of his life.

How hadn't he noticed this before?

Something cold pressed into his chest.

And it took him a moment to realize it was not actually a physical sensation, but fear and panic hitting him hard.

He had _lost_ her.

His home.

She was so much more than just daily routine and boring missions.

He needed her, and it was fucking disabling to see her fall.

His priority was to safe the crew, but she was part of that.

He had _abandoned_ her.

His father hadn't abandoned ship.

He closed his eyes, unable to watch her hit the ground he just tried to breathe.

It felt as if the air was too thin inside the pod.

He had lost the only real home he had ever known.

All the things he owned were on that ship.

That burning wreck tumbling down towards the surface.

It became more and more difficult to breathe and he tried to check if there was a malfunction in the environmental controls of the pod.

There was not enough air.

It took him a moment to realize that what he felt was actually overwhelming grief.

So intense something in his mind threatened to snap.

Jim felt his skin burning. As if he was standing to close to a fire, while he simultaneously felt as cold as he had when he was in the warp core, dying.

The memory triggered overwhelming fear.

He could hear explosions and groaning metal somewhere in the distance but didn't look out of the viewport of the pod.

On the other hand, watching her go down was the only respect he could show her.

Kind of a gesture to stay with her to the very end.

He steeled himself and opened his eyes.

She would never again hold everything that was dear to him.

Would never again travel graceful between the stars.

Her beautiful shiny elegant form was gone, forever.

No more exploring the unknown.

She'd never again return to earth.

His pod was following her down on her slow descent, as were some hostile dart ships.

Destruction and death all around him.

What had he done?

Suddenly, with a loud bang, a part of debris collided with the transparent aluminum of the window, he flinched.

Where were Bones and Spock?

Uhura had drifted away from him in the disconnected neck section, with a hostile soldier by her side.

Was she even still alive?

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to concentrate on breathing again.

"Computer?" he gasped.

But there was no answer.

They had taken the crew… which meant they needed them… Otherwise the hostile forces wouldn't have wasted time and killed them right away.

So, this was reason to hope.

In training, he had learned there was a manual interface somewhere, to operate the pod in case the voice commands failed. He switched on the small monitor to his right and pulled the keyboard out of its slot.

He couldn't watch her die, he just couldn't .

Then, another part of debris hit the pod, it was loud in his ears, sent them ringing.

And then all he heard was the loud thumping of his own heart.

He felt so utterly alone and abandoned.

Although he tried not to spiral down the path of panic, he was failing to do so.

Desperately trying to get his erratic breathing under control, he wrapped his hands around the metal frame of the seat that was holding him.

When he had given the command to abandon ship… he hadn't really understood this would happen as a consequence.

Hadn't expected it to feel this devastating.

At that moment, there had been no time for emotions.

Not even a thought of melancholy.

Just do what was needed to be done.

The only thing that had counted was to save his crew.

This was what they had been told in training.

And now, the only family he ever had was scattered around a planet far away from any help to come.

Bones.

Spock.

Another wave of fear hit him.

Intense and paralyzing… and abstract.

It had the same quality like trying to survive on Tarsus, not knowing what the future held, not knowing if he'd survive the next twenty-four hours.

Unknown horrors lurking in the dark.

He felt shaky and was sure he was suffocating.

When he once more tried to open the environmental controls on the interface black dots started to appear in his vision.

Still gasping, he tried to blink them away and raise the oxygen concentration via the panel.

He couldn't die like this.

Not now!

But his frantic struggling only fuelled the panic and with a last surge of desperation he pressed the 'restart life support routines' button on the screen.

Then there was only nausea, a rushing sound in his ears, followed by complete darkness.

Unconsciousness swallowed him mercilessly.

::

* * *

::

 _There will be a second chapter later._

 _Constructive criticism welcome. I am not a native speaker and writing in a foreign language is hard. Feedback would make my day._


End file.
